Image: Tom Bie
Because 1% of fishermen catch 99% of the fish
  1. Immediately institute “Finder’s Keeper’s” rule for all bales of pot that wash up in the Marquesas.
  2. Ditch Hemingway look-a-like contest and expand Fantasy Fest to the first Saturday of each month. Boobs and feather boas ring cash registers. Old fat white guys with beards, not so much.
  3. Student loan relief from Key West Community College, Sandy Moret’s Florida Keys Flyfishing School, and Vixon Fitness Pole-dancing University.
  4. Occupy Duval Street
  5. Turn Sloppy Joe’s into soup kitchen for south Florida real estate agents, and provide free fritters and beer coupons for all fishing guides that trap feral chickens on their off days.
  6. Install separate restroom facilities for the transitional trans-gendered. Because 99% of us do not need to see that.
  7. Debt relief on all credit cards left behind the bar after midnight.
  8. Establish a municipally funded “Angling Arbitrator” to resolve online bitch fights and boat-ramp skirmishes during the March-August tournament season.
  9. Three new revenue streams: 90 percent user-tax on front-mounted trolling motors; 90 percent “fashion tax” at Leatherotica, Flaming Maggie’s, and Maskerville Feathercrafts; and 90 percent “tank-top tax” on offshore fishermen.
  10. All zeroes on bank statements and bar tabs to be replaced with green parrots.
  11. Pass the Buffett Rule: “Margaritaville” never to be played in public again. On this, we won’t back down.