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By m.b.
#206188
forwarded to me...

This was an ad posted on "Craig's List"
Another contribution to this year's PRICELESS category:
**************************************************
Someone found and linked.
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )
Reply to: pers-982078099@craigslist.org [?]Date:2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message.
I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it.
Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsi der your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.
If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch …. and laundry.
Peace!
- Alex
User avatar
By TX.
#234115
TV for Beer (Arden)

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Reply to: sale-cbpr3-1219593852@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-06-13, 11:36AM EDT



Will trade a 20" Curtis Mathis TV with remote for a growler of French Broad Rye Hopper or Wee Heavier Scotch Ale.

TV is in excellent condition. The bumper stickers say "shoot your TV", id rather trade it for beer.

Image
User avatar
By West Chester
#234130
This might apply to a lot of you drunken bastards
Some Advice From Your Public Defender

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sp ... 69884.html

First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.

Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.

For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.

Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense

"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all

User avatar
By Upsetter
#234151
WC, THAT was priceless. MB, while it was funny, that dude is a dumbass, probably still delusionally riding his high from jacking his would be mugger. He admitted to several offenses for which he could be charged, not so smart. Dont people realize the cops watch craigslist these days? :stupid
User avatar
By Rhyacophila
#234206
West Chester wrote:...There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives...
Any? Not buyin that nonsense.

I'll go for half, maybe. I believe that half her clients with a caring adult presence at 2 years old might be "fixed".

The others, the only thing money would do is provide a better legal team. I have a friend - I often wonder how his trials might have gone had he had Ted Kennedys legal council.
User avatar
By Rhyacophila
#234207
Upsetter wrote:WC, THAT was priceless. MB, while it was funny, that dude is a dumbass, probably still delusionally riding his high from jacking his would be mugger. He admitted to several offenses for which he could be charged, not so smart. Dont people realize the cops watch craigslist these days? :stupid
In Massachusetts, New York, and California he would be charged - maybe a few other states, but who would really convict that guy?

Upsetter, If you were in a jury faced with finding that guy guilty, would ya?
User avatar
By Outcast
#234215
trout-dawg wrote:That's why I stay off the Craig!

Sir Spam-a-Lot is back. Have you ever posted anything on an internet forum besides a link to your shit blog spam-dawg?

You win the golden turd award for being the most worthless piece of shit here. You'll be hearing more from me in the future.
User avatar
By Bad Fish
#234221
Wish I could find the Ninja X-Terra add. So damn funny.
User avatar
By Upsetter
#234244
Rhyacophila wrote: In Massachusetts, New York, and California he would be charged - maybe a few other states, but who would really convict that guy?

Upsetter, If you were in a jury faced with finding that guy guilty, would ya?
I would have to on the basis that he admitted to the crimes, you cant find someone innocent just cause you support their actions in theory, that aint the way it works. It wouldnt surprise me though that any sentence handed down would be creampuff, that is where you get to deal reasonably with a situation like this. But who needs a record cause they couldnt help gloating on craigslist to rub salt in a mugger's wounded pride, most likely in vain. Still a really stupid move in my book. But it was a funny story.
User avatar
By m.b.
#234247
Outcast wrote:You win the golden turd award for being the most worthless piece of shit here.

pot/kettle...
By Jesus Quintana
#234248
you cant find someone innocent just cause you support their actions in theory, that aint the way it works.
Not to be an ass, but you can and it is called jury nullification.

Loved the PD response, lots of friends from law school ended up in the PD's office here in SC-talk about a shit job, but damn they have the most hiliarious stories. Buddy called me a couple months ago with a client who had been caught using a black dildo (whiz master) to pass a drug test, but the client was white. The probation office noticed the color differance. To add injury to insult the guy had used his girlfriend's urine for the "sample" and it was dirty AND the hormone test came back as pregnant. Turns out this client had a vesictmy a few years prior. So not only his he going to jail, he finds out his girl is lying about drug use and has been fucking someone behind his back and she is now with child.
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