Here's some kindling-
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" the doctor asks.
"Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
An old man and an old woman were sitting together in perfunctory silence at a nursing home when the old women suddenly turns to the old man:
"I bet I can guess how old you are." She says.
"Oh yeah? Try it." The old man sneers.
"Unzip your pants."
The old man, skeptical, obliges, and the old woman reaches into his pants. She feels around in there for a few minutes, and then withdraws her hand.
"You're 82 years old!" She exclaims.
"Holy cow! I am! How'd you guess that?!"
"You told me yesterday."
What's better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.