Chuckles, etc

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Cmdr Taco
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Location: X marks the spot....Where the fook is X

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Cmdr Taco » Thu Dec 15, 2011 5:22 pm

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let’s have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
-No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
-No beer
-No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You wipe your ass with your hand
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked for you by someone else
- And your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?
Well no shit Sherlock! ... It's not like it could get much worse.
"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day."

~by Harry S. Truman

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Location: Stuck in Lodi again

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Spicytuna » Thu Dec 15, 2011 6:18 pm

Wife's First Hunt

My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year.
I couldn't believe it the first time ever!

I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me.
Being the thoughtful man that he is, he even gave me an opening day present .
He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'.
I'm so fortunate to be married to him.
I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat

"In truth you can throw dries and swing flies and still be a loser. That would be an elite loser though.
Rare breed." - MTgrayling

"You guys know the Magic Hour???? Yeah it just happened I was there!!!" DK

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Location: where the deer and the antelope play

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by fatman » Thu Dec 15, 2011 7:32 pm

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"
My drinkin' days are over; I'm still trouble bound - Slaid Cleaves

"This place is so fucked up. Where else could you find a thread with a Debbie Gibson song, a chapter from Fyodor Dostoevsky, and a sweet under boob pic like that on the same page?" - Hogleg

"You may not be smart, but your car gets good gas mileage". - Stovetop

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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by steelrain202 » Thu Dec 15, 2011 8:18 pm

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
the only thing I've learned from reading this entire thread is that the hokey pokey isn't really what it's all about.

lying bastards.~shunned

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root wad
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by root wad » Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:07 pm

The Cowboy Whisperer

The Cowboy Whisperer:

Cowboy: 'That your dog?'

Indian: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'Mind if I speak to him?'

Indian: 'Dog no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?'

Dog: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food & takes me

to the lake once a week to play.'

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Indian: 'Horse no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?'

Horse: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down

often & keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.'

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Indian: 'Sheep Lie.'
Life is a whole lot more simple when you plow around the stump.
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

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gill raker
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by gill raker » Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:55 pm

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I dialed what I thought was Robyn's number. A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "There's no Robyn here. Get the right f**king number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole
calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is," he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd., in Ventura. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.


"You're an asshole!" But I didn't hang up.

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Ventura., a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole!" I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Ventura, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd., Ventura.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch the two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger Management really works....
"The tug is the drug." - Outcast

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Pancho Rancho
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Location: On the left side of the second moment

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Pancho Rancho » Fri Dec 23, 2011 10:32 am

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You
pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you
continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once
actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find
your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired had the following response.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend,
and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Fuck 'em and feed 'em fish

Oh, and nice fishes. Randall Dee

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root wad
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by root wad » Fri Dec 23, 2011 12:48 pm


Somehow the truth hurts, and this may be it.

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of
the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an
insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.
Life is a whole lot more simple when you plow around the stump.
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

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root wad
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by root wad » Tue Jan 03, 2012 11:28 am

For those of you with grand children......... It just left a tear in my eye......

Be nice. Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would thank you even more if we could get ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "
Life is a whole lot more simple when you plow around the stump.
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by kamikaze74 » Tue Jan 03, 2012 1:22 pm

oh hell that was great...time for a new key board
Anytime you dont feel special, remember: You could have been a blowjob.

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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Bobwhite » Tue Jan 03, 2012 5:13 pm

That was the best, root wad... damn near hurt myself...
"Why in the fuck did I miss this place? It's like missing a raging case of the clap."

"Make it matter, fuckos." jhnnythndr

" Herre jävlar vilka fiskar!!" P-A

"I'm no saint though, nor a judge. Rock that shit good and hard, and on your way out, wipe your dick on the curtains." - Kyner

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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by madjoni » Tue Jan 03, 2012 5:43 pm

Do you speak English?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul Aziz.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a day.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast...
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

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