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By Pedorro
#553798
SO this guy is walking home from work having lost his license for drunk driving.
On the way he passes his old drinking haunt, a knock on the window from inside catches his attention.
A buddy walks out of the bar and summons him in.

"Naaa I can't come in, you know my wife will kill me if I'm caught drinking."
His buddy finally convinces him to come in just for a sip…

2 hours later while leaving the bar he feels terrible and pukes all over his shirt.

"Now look at me! My wife will know I've been drinking now. I'm a dead man!"

His buddy has an idea - "Hey just put $20 in your shirt pocket and tell her that somebody else puked on your shirt on the way home and gave you $20 to have it cleaned"

"Brilliant!" He exclaims….

As he enters the house his wife is waiting, seeing his condition she begins to yell…"You've been drinking again!"

He removes his shirt while speaking. " No dear, I was walking home past the bar as I always do and this guy comes running out of the bar puking… all over my shirt"

He tosses her the shirt.

"Look in the pocket, there's twenty bucks he gave me to have it dry cleaned."

She reaches into the breast pocket and pulls out two $20 bills….
"There's $40 in your pocket!"

"Oh ya I forgot, He shit my pants too."
User avatar
By SageBrush
#556070
I got a new stick deodorant today
.
The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom."

Now, I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.
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By Da Ax
#556426
When I checked into a hotel on a recent business trip, I told the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

She said, "NO! It's regular porn, you sick bastard!"
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By ditchdoc
#556433
CarpeTructa wrote:Pun, anyone?
eel.jpg
That's just wrong.
User avatar
By Da Ax
#556554
This sounds plausible at a bake or two...
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By BigCliff
#556886
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble having lost her job. She's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
User avatar
By CarpeTructa
#557929
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found.jpg (45.42 KiB) Viewed 2931 times
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