Chuckles, etc

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Spicytuna
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Spicytuna » Thu May 12, 2016 4:02 pm

True Story from today:

[report]West Marine lady asked me, "Do you want to keep your original receipt for your caulk?"

[/report]
"In truth you can throw dries and swing flies and still be a loser. That would be an elite loser though.
Rare breed." - MTgrayling

"You guys know the Magic Hour???? Yeah it just happened I was there!!!" DK

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root wad
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by root wad » Tue Jun 28, 2016 11:10 am

What Makes a Great Lawyer?

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?’

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you.
"A hatchery is what you get 'when you cross a sacred cow with a military base.'" Dr. Bernard Shanks
There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

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BigCliff
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by BigCliff » Tue Aug 16, 2016 2:06 am

Buy better hooks and bourbon.

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Cary
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Cary » Tue Aug 16, 2016 8:06 am

root wad wrote:Following my recent Prostate Exam, which, by the way, was one of the most lengthy and thorough examinations I've ever had, the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.

After closing the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear...

She said...."Who the hell was that guy?"
Yeah, reminds me.... Doctor inserts finger and starts the probe, says "its normal at this time to get an erection" I say, "I aint got no erection", he says, "I was talking about me."
Utah is great, it's just too bad it's in Utah...
-CE

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Bobwhite
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Bobwhite » Tue Oct 18, 2016 12:36 pm

Ole was hunting geese in northern Minnesota. He leaned his old 12-gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak, and as luck would have it, his Labrador knocked the gun over. It went off and he took most of an ounce of #4 shot to the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be okay. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere. Der was very little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da birdshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole.

"The bad noos is dat dere vas pretty extensive damage to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
"Why in the fuck did I miss this place? It's like missing a raging case of the clap."

"Make it matter, fuckos." jhnnythndr

" Herre jävlar vilka fiskar!!" P-A

"I'm no saint though, nor a judge. Rock that shit good and hard, and on your way out, wipe your dick on the curtains." - Kyner

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Bobwhite
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Bobwhite » Sun Oct 23, 2016 1:38 pm

Ole sees Sven out in his field, cutting hay, and walks over with a couple of cold Huaensteins.

Half way through the beers Ole says to Sven, "How's Lena? I haven't seen her in a week or so.

Sven gets a serious look on his face and replies, "I think Lena might be dead, Sven."

Cripes-by-golly... vat in da hell, you think she might be dead?!"

Vel, the sex is the same," says Sven, "but the dishes are piling up in da sink!"
"Why in the fuck did I miss this place? It's like missing a raging case of the clap."

"Make it matter, fuckos." jhnnythndr

" Herre jävlar vilka fiskar!!" P-A

"I'm no saint though, nor a judge. Rock that shit good and hard, and on your way out, wipe your dick on the curtains." - Kyner

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BigCliff
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by BigCliff » Tue Nov 01, 2016 8:13 am

Buy better hooks and bourbon.

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root wad
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by root wad » Thu Dec 08, 2016 3:03 pm

The triumph of age and experience:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
"A hatchery is what you get 'when you cross a sacred cow with a military base.'" Dr. Bernard Shanks
There is no right way to do the wrong thing.

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austrotard
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by austrotard » Wed May 10, 2017 6:41 am

copied from a seppo:

A crusty looking old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a damn checking account.”
To which the astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”
With that the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
Then both return and the manager asks the old geezer, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem”, the man says, “I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see”, says the manager, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”
mate, it's ryan says... and ryan didn't say.
you're out.

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Da Ax
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Da Ax » Wed May 10, 2017 7:22 am

BigCliff wrote:
Tue Nov 01, 2016 8:13 am
This could also be rightfully placed in the "unlimited: this guy might be a Drakian"...
The difference between decency and indecency is opportunity...

One could search their entire lives for the perfect drift, and it would not be a wasted life.

"If I owned this place and Hell, I'd rent this place out and live in Hell." -Toombs

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BigCliff
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by BigCliff » Wed May 17, 2017 9:42 am

Da Ax wrote:
Wed May 10, 2017 7:22 am
be rightfully placed in the "unlimited: this guy might be a Drakian"...
Yup.
Buy better hooks and bourbon.

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