Chuckles, etc

This forum is for general topics. Keep all posts, images, etc safe for those who read the forum at work. Post only that content that you'd want your mama to read. Violators will be banned.
User avatar
fatman
Posts: 5073
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:17 pm
Location: where the deer and the antelope play

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by fatman » Tue Nov 24, 2015 8:40 pm

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
My drinkin' days are over; I'm still trouble bound - Slaid Cleaves

"This place is so fucked up. Where else could you find a thread with a Debbie Gibson song, a chapter from Fyodor Dostoevsky, and a sweet under boob pic like that on the same page?" - Hogleg

"You may not be smart, but your car gets good gas mileage". - Stovetop

Wholetmygoatsout
Posts: 858
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:59 pm
Location: Off the right hand side

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Wholetmygoatsout » Mon Dec 21, 2015 11:46 am

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
​"​ My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also. ​"​
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in the line"
"..I made my living on here drawing dicks for the last 4+ years". RFA

"Sometimes you are the dog, sometimes you are the tree". Mario Gotze

User avatar
root wad
Posts: 2267
Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2009 12:16 pm

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by root wad » Mon Jan 04, 2016 10:05 pm

Older cowboy: "Give me three packs of condoms please."
Cashier: "Certainly, you need a paper bag with those?"
Cowboy: "Nah, she's a bit of a looker."
"A hatchery is what you get 'when you cross a sacred cow with a military base.'" Dr. Bernard Shanks
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

User avatar
Streamer
Posts: 1421
Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 1:01 am
Location: Cary, N.C.

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Streamer » Mon Jan 11, 2016 8:52 am

An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Yer Pal,
Streamer
"Because I was born in the South, I am a Southerner. If I had been born in the North, or the West, or the Central Plains, I would be just a human being." - Clyde Edgerton

Tragedy and comedy in fishing are practically synonomous.It depends on who is doing and who is looking.

User avatar
fatman
Posts: 5073
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:17 pm
Location: where the deer and the antelope play

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by fatman » Fri Jan 15, 2016 7:17 am

wales.jpg
wales.jpg (65.26 KiB) Viewed 2426 times
My drinkin' days are over; I'm still trouble bound - Slaid Cleaves

"This place is so fucked up. Where else could you find a thread with a Debbie Gibson song, a chapter from Fyodor Dostoevsky, and a sweet under boob pic like that on the same page?" - Hogleg

"You may not be smart, but your car gets good gas mileage". - Stovetop

User avatar
Bobwhite
Posts: 5024
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 4:48 pm
Location: Marine on St. Croix, MN
Contact:

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Bobwhite » Sun Jan 17, 2016 6:03 pm

Streamer wrote:An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Yer Pal,
Streamer
Hahaha!

On that same subject...

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
"Why in the fuck did I miss this place? It's like missing a raging case of the clap."

"Make it matter, fuckos." jhnnythndr

" Herre jävlar vilka fiskar!!" P-A

"I'm no saint though, nor a judge. Rock that shit good and hard, and on your way out, wipe your dick on the curtains." - Kyner

User avatar
CarpeTructa
Posts: 1446
Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2009 12:35 am
Location: The Range of Light

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by CarpeTructa » Wed Jan 27, 2016 7:05 pm

So a scientist invented this device that he hoped would transfer the pain of childbirth from the mother to the father so that she wouldn't have to suffer so much. He needed to test it and found a couple where the mother and father agreed to the test.

So, on the day the mother went into labor they placed the device on her stomach. Not long after the first contraction started. The mother reported that she felt no pain, as did the father. Then the contractions came faster and were stronger, but both the mother and the father reported no pain.

Finally the mother gave birth to the child while still reporting no pain, as did the father.

"I can't believe what wimps you women are!" he declared. "I didn't feel any pain at all; that was easy! Obviously men are better at tolerating pain than women are."

When they got home they found the mailman dead in the driveway.
Somebody else is going to have to watch the door for me now. Make sure to keep the riff-raff out. Outcast (RIP)

User avatar
fatman
Posts: 5073
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:17 pm
Location: where the deer and the antelope play

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by fatman » Mon Mar 28, 2016 9:43 pm

slickwilly.jpg
slickwilly.jpg (31.26 KiB) Viewed 1475 times
My drinkin' days are over; I'm still trouble bound - Slaid Cleaves

"This place is so fucked up. Where else could you find a thread with a Debbie Gibson song, a chapter from Fyodor Dostoevsky, and a sweet under boob pic like that on the same page?" - Hogleg

"You may not be smart, but your car gets good gas mileage". - Stovetop

User avatar
root wad
Posts: 2267
Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2009 12:16 pm

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by root wad » Sun May 08, 2016 2:14 pm

Following my recent Prostate Exam, which, by the way, was one of the most lengthy and thorough examinations I've ever had, the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.

After closing the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear...

She said...."Who the hell was that guy?"
"A hatchery is what you get 'when you cross a sacred cow with a military base.'" Dr. Bernard Shanks
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

User avatar
-G-
Posts: 343
Joined: Tue Nov 17, 2015 4:31 pm

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by -G- » Sun May 08, 2016 2:48 pm

root wad wrote:Following my recent Prostate Exam, which, by the way, was one of the most lengthy and thorough examinations I've ever had, the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in.

After closing the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear...

She said...."Who the hell was that guy?"
As long as you don't feel two hands on your hips whilst bend over it's in the clear
Maybe we haven't drank enough Busch- Nolan

User avatar
FormerlyChaseChrome
Posts: 2821
Joined: Tue May 28, 2013 1:09 pm

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by FormerlyChaseChrome » Sun May 08, 2016 4:43 pm

Freud...
:coffee

Wholetmygoatsout
Posts: 858
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:59 pm
Location: Off the right hand side

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Wholetmygoatsout » Sun May 08, 2016 6:01 pm

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
"..I made my living on here drawing dicks for the last 4+ years". RFA

"Sometimes you are the dog, sometimes you are the tree". Mario Gotze

Post Reply