Chuckles, etc

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Kylemc
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Kylemc » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:32 pm

Jewish Prayer


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for along, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview .

'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

'Morris Fishbein,' he replied.

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'

'For about 60 years.'

'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'

'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'

'Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall"
"And sometimes both is required. We; the three of us were rather like the willow. Nothing broke us...Fucking Nothing..."

I forgot the rest.... your mom is a whore...WB25

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ditchdoc
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by ditchdoc » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:55 pm

Now that was the best so far Kyle!!
Ignorance is curable. Stupidity is forever.

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cantfishforshit
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by cantfishforshit » Fri Oct 22, 2010 5:04 pm

Did you hear about the peanut that got mugged in the park? Yeah, the cops said he was a salted. :Roll Eyes
Better be putting together one hell of a plan to survive this clusterfuck.
-Blumpkin

If it isn't listed on the commodities market, it gets plowed under in favour of something that is. There's no money in willows or young poplar or native grasses.
-Peetso

Roses are red. Bacon is red. Poetry is hard. Bacon
-Unknown

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edword02
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by edword02 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 6:08 pm

what kind of bees give milk........







BOOBIES!
"Fishing is something i know how to do, an activity that fortifies my self-confidence." - Miles Nolte

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edword02
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by edword02 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 6:09 pm

:bomb
foureyedgeek wrote:My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
lol nice
"Fishing is something i know how to do, an activity that fortifies my self-confidence." - Miles Nolte

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BigCliff
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by BigCliff » Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:16 pm

Best I've seen from the "Best of Craigslist"
DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.

Date: 2006-07-17, 2:10AM PDT

Don't even fucking say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.

I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the fuck.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont fucking tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a fucking electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes shitting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the fuck?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You fucking Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole fucking roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so fucking foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.

You fucking Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the fucking grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that shit again.

Fucking Pringle bastards.

This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. Fuck Pringles.
Buy better hooks and bourbon.

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BigCliff
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by BigCliff » Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:52 pm

Davy Wotton, April Vokey, and a feckin armadillo.

WTF.

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Buy better hooks and bourbon.

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edword02
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by edword02 » Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:04 pm

The average titty weighs 3.3 lbs. Not sure about the average pussy, jump on a scale.
"Fishing is something i know how to do, an activity that fortifies my self-confidence." - Miles Nolte

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BigCliff
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by BigCliff » Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:06 pm

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,"Things are great and I've never felt better." I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Buy better hooks and bourbon.

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Bobwhite
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Bobwhite » Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:30 pm

Now... that was great!

Thanks for the laugh.
"Why in the fuck did I miss this place? It's like missing a raging case of the clap."

"Make it matter, fuckos." jhnnythndr

" Herre jävlar vilka fiskar!!" P-A

"I'm no saint though, nor a judge. Rock that shit good and hard, and on your way out, wipe your dick on the curtains." - Kyner

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fshnow
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by fshnow » Wed Nov 03, 2010 7:10 pm

Ole and Sven are sitting on a hill overlooking a small Norwegian town with a lake nearby :

Ole : Hey Sven, I built alot of those houses in that town. But do they call me "Ole the House builder"?
Sven: (Chuckling) No Ole - they don't

Ole: Sven - I built a couple of those sail boats out on the lake there. But do they call me "Ole the sailboat builder"?
Sven: (Still Chuckling) No Ole - They don't

Ole: Sven - I built most of those stores down there on main street. But do they call me " Ole the store builder"?
Sven: (Still chuckling) No Ole - They don't

Ole: Yeah, it doesn't mattter what you have done in your life - You get caught fucking one pig and .....

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BigCliff
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by BigCliff » Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:28 pm

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, 'Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.'

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk- 'Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,'

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such colourful, and expensive animal, shakes his head and says,
'Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.'

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,
'Shhh, they're getting closer!'
Buy better hooks and bourbon.

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