A One Star TR

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Spicytuna
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Re: Well....

Post by Spicytuna » Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:59 pm

Hopefully the Delta got him off to a good start.

Did Shirley survive at all by chance?

Can't wait to see the rest of it
"In truth you can throw dries and swing flies and still be a loser. That would be an elite loser though.
Rare breed." - MTgrayling

"You guys know the Magic Hour???? Yeah it just happened I was there!!!" DK

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TX.
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Re: Well....

Post by TX. » Thu Nov 17, 2016 9:46 pm

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Which one of you fuckers has a flats skiff in the NC mountains?-southernstrain
Was there also a raft,drift boat,jon boat,and a gheeno in the yard?-Kyle

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Average Joe
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A One Star TR

Post by Average Joe » Fri Nov 18, 2016 12:10 am

The morning after Mitch's successful and entertaining day on the delta, we jumped in the truck and hit the road.

In spite of the heavy, early-morning commute traffic, we managed to escape civilization without incident, and two hours later we were cruising north up the interstate.

Soon afterwards, Mitch complained of being hungry. I asked him where he wanted to eat. He pointed at a Burger King sign and said, "That place should do."

We both ordered some type of breakfast-sandwich-meal-combo and then sat down at one of the plastic tables.

I took one bite of my sandwich and thought, "Someone in the kitchen must have spilled a quarter cup of salt on this."

I looked at Mitch and said, "So how's your sandwich?"

"It's absolutely disgusting, mate. I wouldn't give it more than a single star."

"A single star?"

"That's right. One out of five. I'd actually give it a fat fucking zero if I could, but that's not allowed."

"Good to know."

We placed most of our meal in the trash and then continued on our journey.

A while later I turned to Mitch and said, "Do you want to stop and meet some of the local Indians?"

"Fuck no. I saw enough of them when I lived in London."

"Not East Indians. Native Americans."

"I've no use for them either."

"Well, I'm stopping regardless, so your other option is to sit in the truck until I return."

"Well I'm not doing that, so I suppose I'll tag along and try to behave myself."
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Mitch ordered a Caesar salad...
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... and won some money.
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Mitch is not a quitter. As such, he eventually lost his winnings, along with his initial investment.

As we were walking across the parking lot back to the truck, I asked him to rate his Indian casino experience.

"One star."

"Why's that?"

"I didn't win shit."

Fair enough.

A few more miles down the road we made another stop and purchased some Samuel Adams Boston Lager (his piss of choice). Afterwards I put gas in the truck while he walked to a nearby coffee kiosk and bought himself a twenty-ounce cappuccino (with two sugars). Apparently drinking cappuccino does not make him gay. Or so he claimed.

Another stop.
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The apex predator casually looks down upon his prey.
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Were it not for the mustache, he could pass for a Canadian.
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We stopped at an independent hardware store I like to patronize whenever I'm in the area.

I purchased some duct tape.

Mitch purchased some sheet metal screws.

And underwear.

I didn't ask.

We stopped by another grocery store, and then stopped by Wayne's place (he wasn't home), and then stopped and got Mitch another cappuccino (with two sugars). Which doesn't make him gay.

Then we made a couple more stops, after which we finally arrived at the cabin.
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Mitch took an immediate liking to the Big Mouth Billy Bass.
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When we arrived, the kitchen table looked like this.
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In no time at all, Mitch had it looking like this.
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After unloading the truck, I relaxed on the porch while Mitch used my Swiss Army Knife to put sheet metal screws into the soles of his boots.
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Then we walked down to the river and went fishing.
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Soon afterwards, Mitch caught a fish.
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Soon after that, Mitch took a swim, so we called it a day and walked back to the cabin.

I put out some snacks...
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... while Mitch dried his clothing.
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Later that evening I made dinner: ribeye steaks topped with a blue cheese sauce and potatoes au gratin.
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Mitch took two or three bites and pushed the rest away: Austrian sign-language for a one star rating.

At some point we called ironman and Mitch gave him shit for not flying out and cooking for him.

After dinner we moved to the porch, cracked open the fancy-schmancy bottle of scotch Mitch brought from Austria, burned some of his fancy-schmancy cigars, and waited for Heero to show up.
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Heero never arrived that night, so after finishing our cigars we retired for the evening.

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B.M. Barrelcooker
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Re: A One Star TR

Post by B.M. Barrelcooker » Fri Nov 18, 2016 5:45 am

This should be a movie
"worst that can happen is a big fat zero and a fine walk out of doors"---Chadroc

Heero[CntRmbrPwd]
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Re: A One Star TR

Post by Heero[CntRmbrPwd] » Fri Nov 18, 2016 8:20 am

I wish I wouldve rented a vehicle and come to meet you guys instead of standing around at the airport for days waiting for you to pick me up. This looks like it couldve been an enjoyable romp.

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BigTimber
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Re: A One Star TR

Post by BigTimber » Fri Nov 18, 2016 8:51 am

I think he got the two sugars in the cappuccino thing from me....it definitely does not make you gay.
This place has enough jiggly milkbags, marsupials fisting off, and animated cherubs getting stabbed in the fuck to get anyone shitcanned, if''n their boss can''t take a joke. ~SUAF

Pussy, much like freedom, ain't free.

America has become a dildo that has turned berserkly on its owner. ~McGuane 1971

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The Wandering Blues
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Re: A One Star TR

Post by The Wandering Blues » Fri Nov 18, 2016 9:51 am

I fished that water once without studs in the boots. Same ending, only no warm fire. Just a cold night in the truck.
"We're a cross between our parents and hippies in a tent...."
180 Degrees South

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FormerlyChaseChrome
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Re: A One Star TR

Post by FormerlyChaseChrome » Fri Nov 18, 2016 10:01 am

I see Shonny is wearing my fucking waders...

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pbrstreetgang
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Re: A One Star TR

Post by pbrstreetgang » Fri Nov 18, 2016 12:26 pm

B.M. Barrelcooker wrote:This should be a movie
I am looking forward to AJ's memoirs
Everybody knows this is nowhere...

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Average Joe
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Location: Where they rip out the trees and name streets after them.

Re: A One Star TR

Post by Average Joe » Fri Nov 18, 2016 12:48 pm

Mitch has never been fond of getting up to meet the sunrise. In spite of this, I forced him to endure two successive early-morning wake-up calls after his long flight from Austria, but promised that I'd let him sleep in on Saturday.

I got up at roughly 8:00 AM and started making breakfast.

The first thing I noticed was that I'd purchased a bag of coffee that wasn't really coffee.
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It was all I had, so I brewed up a pot, sampled it, and vowed that going forward I would always grab a pair of reading glasses before heading out to purchase coffee.

I then cleared a spot on our little dining room table and took the eggs and the butter out of the refrigerator so they could come to room temperature. During his last visit I learned that there are few things that annoy Mitch more than being presented with cold, hard butter to spread across his toast.

I fried up some bacon, some breakfast sausages, and some potatoes, put it all in the oven, and set it to a low temperature in order to keep it all warm.

I took out some bread and put it next to the toaster and set up a pan on the stove for the eggs. Then I cracked a beer, went out on the front porch, and fired up what was left of my cigar from the previous evening.

It was 9:00 AM.

By the time 10:00 AM rolled around, I'd finished my cigar and was sipping my third beer of the morning.

At 11:00 AM I ate my half of the bacon, sausage, and potatoes.

Three minutes before noon Mitch finally rose from the dead.
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"Have we any coffee?"

"There on the counter," I said.

He poured himself a cup, added some milk, smelled it and said, "What is this?"

I showed him the bag and he said, "Right. Well I know what needs to be done with this."

He then emptied his cup into the sink and said, "That is definitely some one star shit, mate. Any chance we could go out and grab a cappuccino?"

"As you wish."

On the way to town we got delayed by a southbound train pulling dozens of cars loaded with lumber.
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Town.
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When we got back to the cabin I pulled Mitch's share of what I'd already cooked out of the oven and said, "Are you ready for some eggs?"

"Not really, mate. Just leave that there and I'll come back to it after we've fished for a bit."

"As you wish."

On our way out we were delayed by a northbound train pulling dozens of cars loaded with empty trailers.
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On the road.
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Mitch getting ready.
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Me getting ready.
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"So Mitch, did you bring a wading staff today?"

"Yeah mate, it's here on my belt."

The staff remained secure in its holster as he stepped into the river and worked his way upstream, which leads me to believe that they are little more than fashion accessories in Austria.
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Mitch had a couple of takes right off the bat.

Then he went swimming and spooked every fish in the run.

Mitch was not pleased.

We stopped at the local grocery store on our way back to the cabin.

I let Mitch buy the coffee.

Then we went to the coffee shop, where Mitch purchased a twenty-ounce cappuccino (with two sugars). Which doesn't make him gay.

Back at the cabin, I asked Mitch if he was ready for his breakfast.
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"You can probably bin that, mate."

"As you wish."

I put out some snacks...
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... while Mitch put yet another chair in front of the fire...
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... and I wondered what we'd have to sit on if this trend continued.

My friend Wayne and his wife Myrna pulled up as we were relaxing on the front porch with an evening cocktail, and the four of us ended up going out to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant.

Mitch ordered a Mexican Caesar salad.

He gave it one star.

Back at the cabin he had me call ironman so that he could once again chew him out for not being there to cook for him.

Then he said, "So how long are you planning to stay in Oregon?"

"I'm heading home Wednesday morning."

"Well who's to look after me once you're gone?"

"I've no idea."

"Get peebers on the phone and tell him to get his arse out here."

I placed the call, but it went straight to PBR's voicemail.

We poured ourselves another cocktail and had some fun with hats while waiting for Heero to arrive...
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... and at some point after that I fell asleep on one of the couches in the living room while watching a movie.

When I woke, Mitch was fast asleep on the other couch.

I left him there and went to bed.

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Lando
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Re: A One Star TR

Post by Lando » Fri Nov 18, 2016 1:10 pm

Too bad he didn't have to apply sunscreen. That is one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.............
If my tombstone reads, "He never ate sushi." it won't be a lie, and I'll be OK with that.

~Average Joe

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D-nymph
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Re: A One Star TR

Post by D-nymph » Fri Nov 18, 2016 1:35 pm

His Lordship is definitely used to a certain level of comfort.
"The devil's pourin drinks and his daughter needs a ride" - III

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