- Tue Mar 25, 2014 11:02 pm
Tonight after dinner, my wife said, "You haven't spoken to your aunt and uncle in awhile. You should call them."
So I called.
"GODDAMN ITJACK, TURN THAT FUCKING TV DOWN! HELLO?"
"Oh, hi honey. Your uncle is such an asshole sometimes. Boy, what a day we had. Nurses and ambulances and fire trucks. Oh, and I got a new refrigerator. The old one was acting up, and you can't find anyone who will come and fix them these days, so I just said, 'Fuck it' and bought a new one. Are you coming over?"
"No, I just called to say hello."
"You know, I told your uncle we should look into selling this house and moving into that new assisted-living place that just opened downtown. We could get a nice little two bedroom apartment, and they have a communal dining room so I wouldn't have to cook all the time, and they have a doctor on staff twenty-four hours a day so we wouldn't have to deal with all of the goddamn fire trucks and ambulances all the time, but he won't do it. He said, 'The only way I'm leaving my house is in a body bag.' I'm ready to put him in one right now. He's such a jackass. I'm going to give him the phone and he can tell you about his day. Jack! JACK! IT'S YOUR NEPHEW! PICK UP THE PHONE! JACK! PICK UP THE GODDAMN PHONE! IT'S YOUR NEPHEW!"
"Hey Uncle Jack."
"Boy, what a morning I had. You knew I was in the hospital, right?"
"Yeah, I heard."
"Well today they sent this nurse to the house to check up on me, and after she looked me over she said, 'I'm calling 911 right now,' and I said 'The hell you are!' Next thing I know there's fire trucks and ambulances outside my house. I looked at her and said, 'You fucking bitch! Get the hell out of my house, and I don't ever want to see you here again! And take those goddamn ambulances and firemen with you!"
"So what was wrong with you?"
"Nothing! For someone who's smoked and drank for over seventy years, I'm in great shape! By the way, tomorrow's your father's birthday. Don't forget to call him."
"You know he never answers his phone."
"I don't give a shit if he answers it or not! It's his fucking birthday, and you need to call him and wish him a happy fucking birthday! He's not going to answer when I call him either, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to call him!"
"Fine, I'll call him."
"Good. Are you coming up for a drink?"
"No, not tonight."
"Well when are you coming up?"
"OK. Here's you aunt. DOLORES! DOLORES! PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE! GODDAMN IT! DOLORES! PICK UP THE GODDAMN PHONE! "
"Hi honey. Are you coming up?"
"You're uncle is such a fucking asshole. Did he tell you what he said to the nurse? The poor girl came up to me and said, 'He fired me,' and I said, 'Oh honey, I've been married to him for over sixty years, and he's fired me more times than I can remember, but I'm still here.' HAHAHA! So are you coming up for a drink?"
"OK. Well, give Shelley my love, and we'll see you soon."
"Will do. Goodnight."
All of you boys in the nursing field have my utmost respect.