A Confession

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austrotard
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Re: A Confession

Post by austrotard » Tue Jan 02, 2018 4:31 am

are you still boarding those dogs?
you might have the wrong chauncey.

disclaimer: there are boarders.
progression is not addition.
progression takes a cunningness, tact and a certain level of ruthlessness.
you'll find they go hand in hand as we poison their water, josh.

-anonymous mtice

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Average Joe
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Re: A Confession

Post by Average Joe » Tue Jan 02, 2018 4:56 am

austrotard wrote:
Tue Jan 02, 2018 4:31 am
are you still boarding those dogs?
No. That was my wife's idea. You see, Chauncey behaves more like a cat than a dog. He doesn't like attention - hates being touched - and if you toss a ball he'll just look at you as if to say, "What? If you really wanted that you wouldn't have thrown it away."

Eat, sleep, piss, and shit is all he does. Bastard doesn't even bark.

Anyway.

My wife thought that bringing in these stray dogs would help him learn to be more like a dog as opposed to a cat.

It didn't work out that way.

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austrotard
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Re: A Confession

Post by austrotard » Tue Jan 02, 2018 5:07 am

somebody asked me why I only walk my dog at night.
'I can't stand the sight of the bastard' was my reply.

I'd be more worried if chauncey ran clockwise when I walked in the door.

oh, and I'm nut chopping benno's bollocks off.
he's not humpy and fuck that vet he'll get testiclay cancer paranoia shite. I'm not donating to their pool (of) balls.

ne touche pas le testiclay.
sorry, I can't do the accent.

disclaimer: I can.
progression is not addition.
progression takes a cunningness, tact and a certain level of ruthlessness.
you'll find they go hand in hand as we poison their water, josh.

-anonymous mtice

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west_jay
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Re: A Confession

Post by west_jay » Tue Jan 02, 2018 5:13 am

dis: "because I can." -fixed.

Ha! double. I'll be here all week.
I never met anyone named Joel that wasn't a complete knob. – CharlieJenkem

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Average Joe
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Re: A Confession

Post by Average Joe » Tue Jan 02, 2018 5:20 am

No idea how Chauncey became such a Beyonce fan.

To the left, to the left...

"Why u breedt dis dugh? Dis dugh, hee es sheet."

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Average Joe
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Re: A Confession

Post by Average Joe » Tue Jan 02, 2018 5:29 am

I tried making pad thai for my wife on New Year's eve.

It tasted like Caesar salad.

i.e., shit.

I've much work to do between now and the end of March.

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austrotard
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Re: A Confession

Post by austrotard » Tue Jan 02, 2018 5:32 am

wait a sec.
as I remembered it it was your wife's dog.
but they're both fast asleep. and yet you're up all hours.
the gig's up, jose.

jose and chauncey sitting in a tree...

I'll bet you puke in the car before he does.
like that time when the paint bomb went off in the cc's anglia.

disclaimer: he really wanted a capri but they proved harder to nick. anglias were everywhere.
progression is not addition.
progression takes a cunningness, tact and a certain level of ruthlessness.
you'll find they go hand in hand as we poison their water, josh.

-anonymous mtice

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Average Joe
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2012 3:04 pm
Location: Where they rip out the trees and name streets after them.

Re: A Confession

Post by Average Joe » Tue Jan 02, 2018 5:34 am

Tis now 3:30 AM

Wife is asleep

Vet opens at 8:00

Dog is still alive

Breathing anyway

And I've a full glass in front of me

So far 2018 is looking pretty good

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austrotard
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Re: A Confession

Post by austrotard » Tue Jan 02, 2018 5:54 am

it'll go to its usual shit after doc vet hands you his invoice/child's college tuition fee.

see if he's got any balls.
I told elizabeth that's what the blind motorists put in their bubble tea.
I told her they were squirrel balls as they're sticky from maple syrup.

disclaimer: my kids are retarded.
progression is not addition.
progression takes a cunningness, tact and a certain level of ruthlessness.
you'll find they go hand in hand as we poison their water, josh.

-anonymous mtice

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Average Joe
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2012 3:04 pm
Location: Where they rip out the trees and name streets after them.

Re: A Confession

Post by Average Joe » Tue Jan 02, 2018 6:11 am

I thought we'd been through this, but I'll rehash it again since I've nothing better to do at this ungodly hour.

Old dog dies (via NPVEC)

Wife: "No more dogs! I never want to go through that again! (sigh)"

Jose the Good Husband: "Fine. I'm going fishing."

Jose returns from his unsuccessful fishing trip and upon opening his front door he is greeted by an immature horse unleashing copious amounts of piss onto the floor of the austrian's bedroom.

Jose the Good Husband: "Wife! Where did this immature horse come from, and why is he pissing in the austrian's bedroom?"

Wife: "I missed the old dead dog, so I adopted this immature horse whilst you were away. Isn't he wonderful?"

Jose the Good Husband: (...mumble...)

Fast forward to the first time the dog goes sideways...

Wife: "There's something wrong with him."

Jose the Good Husband: "Well, it's the Friday evening before a three day weekend, so now would be the perfect time for him to get sick."

Wife: "Maybe we should take him to NPVEC."

Jose the Good Husband: "That's a thousand dollars minimum, and most likely a death sentence."

Wife: "Well, I didn't grow up with dogs, so I'll leave it up to you."

Jose the Good Husband: (...mumble... pours drink...posts lament on Drake Message Board...nobody listens...)

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Average Joe
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Re: A Confession

Post by Average Joe » Tue Jan 02, 2018 6:13 am

I can't keep up with you. Typing with the hand I drink with

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Average Joe
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Re: A Confession

Post by Average Joe » Tue Jan 02, 2018 6:23 am

My guess is that he'll act all Chuck Manson between now and when he sees the vet door.

Once inside he'll go all Pat Boone on me.

They'll run a bunch of tests.

Find nothing.

Give me a horrendous bill.

Then he'll act fine for the rest of the week.

Until Friday evening.

Helter Skelter.

Bastard.

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