All threads that bitch about new, existing, or old members will be posted/relocated here. Keep this shit off the General forum, because no one wants (or cares) to hear your opinions. Now go back to the other forums and post something worthy of reading.
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By Spicytuna
CharlieJenkem wrote: Haha. My wife's frugality is evenhanded. However, I frequently get: "Would you mind getting up [from that comfortable chair where you're minding your own business and enjoying a glass of scotch] to get me X? I'd do it myself, but I don't want to disturb the dog."
User avatar
By blumpkin
Confession: I have not bitched once yet about working in the cold in North Dakota
but last night any exposed flesh immediately felt like Mike Tyson was trying to
bite that particular body part off, and yes I pissed outside several times.

I was proud of my crew, we kept all of the gear from freezing and nobody pussied out.
but jeebus -9 Seppo with a steady 15 knot wind for 14 hours or so...

We have had -26 shifts before that felt like Kenya compared to last night.

Put in my time and do this shit offshore in Brazil.
User avatar
By Pedorro
Average Joe wrote:This past Saturday morning my wife was putting away the groceries while I was sitting at the dining room table tying some flies.

Wife: "The grocery store had a sale on dog biscuits, but they were an off brand that I didn't recognize. I had the box in my hand and was about to drop them in the cart, but then I thought, 'What if he doesn't like them? He's always there, happy to see me when I come home from work or shopping. He deserves better than second rate biscuits, so stop being so cheap and buy him the good kind, even if they are twice as much.' And so that's what I did."

I looked up from what I was doing in time to see her open the box and give one of these biscuits to the dog. The dog took the biscuit and ate it in the disgusting manner he eats everything, crumbs and spittle flying from his mouth as he crunched away. And there stood my wife, praising him, speaking to him in Italian, no doubt telling him what a good boy he was.

And then my eye wandered over to a jar that was sitting on the counter amongst the other groceries. Stuck to the jar was a plain white label, and on the label I could make out two distinct words in black type. They read "Berry Jam." Not "Knott's Berry Farm Berry Jam." Not "Smucker's Berry Jam." Just "Berry Jam."

And then I remembered that while my wife was making out her grocery list the previous evening, she'd asked me if I wanted or needed anything from the market, and I'd replied, "Pick me up some berry jam."

It's always good to know where you stand in a relationship.
That is the funniest shit EVER! Did you share that feeling with her? How did she react?
They like that you "Share"
That is sooo funny.

I was just reading through some other threads and I think we have to start an "unlimited shit that Average Joe says"
Here's a classic
When I got out of the shower I noticed that my pants were gone. Naked and wet, I followed the stink trail all the way to the kitchen, where I found the dog, covered in my shit and rolling back and forth on my pants.

Cleaning the house will give me time to determine the best way to kill the dog.
I am still killing myself laughing.
Last edited by Pedorro on Wed Feb 20, 2013 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
By west_jay
The tall, lithe, fire-brand Mexican girl that cuts my hair greeted me today with a soccer ball.
Where her belly used to be.

I wept a little, down in my plums.
User avatar
By pbrstreetgang
I read the script and excerpts (added in sequence) to "Apocalypse Now" while on a conference call today. An hour into the call, I would respond to contractor scenarios with movie quotes that were somewhat applicable to the topic -

Some Federale Dude: "We had an exploit traverse the Firewall and IPS. Luckily, our SIEM caught it an alerted our team."
Me: "The horror....the horror"
SFD: "What?"
Me: Oh, I was saying how horrible that must have been. Then what happened?"
User avatar
By austrotard
if you can work 'charlie don't surf' into a conversation you're my hero.

confession: I fell off a 'hop up' today and landed like I fell from the fourth floor.

a little bit of a rolled ankle if'n you was a-wondering.

mitch: look, mate... I don't want to make a big issue of this but I fell off of that and landed right there.
safety nanny: what happened?
mitch: well I'm a bit embarrassed really...
safety nanny: what, you land on your dick?
mitch: that's pretty funny, super nanny. no, mate... what happened was I stepped backwards and I think my brain was telling me it was the size of a standard tread which as you can see it is not.
safety nanny: do you want to make a report?
mitch: yes. I'd like to report that if my ankle is the size of a basketball in the morning I shan't be seeing you.
safety nanny: no worries then.
mitch: great. now fuck off and go find something to do. I think I saw someone running with scissors on the second floor.
safety nanny: break a leg, mitch.
mitch: ha ha... I'm trying, mate.
User avatar
By Tailer
austrotard wrote:
Dear Boss I write this note to you,
to tell you of my plight.
And at the time of writing,
I am not a pretty sight.
My body is all black and blue,
my face a deadly grey,
And I hope you'll understand
why Patty's not at work today.

I was working on the 14th floor,
some bricks I had to clear,
And throwing down 'em from such a height
was not a good idea,
The foreman was unpleasent,
he being an awful sot,
And he said I'd have to take them down
the ladder by hand.

Well clearing all these bricks by hand,
it was so awful slow.
So I hoisted up a barrel and
secured a rope below.
But in my haste to do the job,
I was too blind to see,
That a barrel full of building bricks,
was heavier than me.

So I went down to cut the rope, and
the barrel fell like lead.
And clinging tightly to the rope,
I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket,
and to my surprise I found,
That halfway up I met the bloody
barrel coming down.

Well the barrel struck my shoulder
as to the ground it speed,
And when I reached the top
I hit the pulley with my head,
I spun around all stunned and shocked
from this almighty blow,
While the barrel spilled out half the bricks,
14 floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the
barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel and I
started down once more,
Still clinging tightly to the rope,
I headed toward ground,
And fell upon the building bricks
that were all scattered 'round.

Now as soon as I had hit the ground,
I thought I'd passed the worst,
When the barrel hit the pulley,
and then the bottom burst,
A shower of bricks fell down on me,
I hadn't got a hope,
And as I was losing consciousness,
I let go of the bloody rope.

Well the barrel now being heavier,
it started down once more,
Struck across me smartly
as I lie there on the floor,
It broke some ribs and my left arm
and I can only say,
I hope you'll understand why,
Patty's not at work today.
Last edited by Tailer on Tue Feb 26, 2013 9:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
By RaZ
confession: over the last 24 hours, usually a few 15 minute jonts at a time, i went through this thread. learnt a lot about the people here. where's Fish Head Larry? i got a big project needin done at my back yard. he's not so far away.
User avatar
By austrotard
confession: I just screamed like a big jessie after finding a big fuck off huntsman spider in my duck quills.

fucking bastard things.
why do they have to be so big???

I may have wee'd a little as well. fuuuuuck.

here's a link to a photo... not safe for big babies. ... wBQ&dur=57
User avatar
By D-nymph
austrotard wrote:confession: I just screamed like a big jessie after finding a big fuck off huntsman spider in my duck quills.

fucking bastard things.
why do they have to be so big???

I may have wee'd a little as well. fuuuuuck.

here's a link to a photo... not safe for big babies. ... wBQ&dur=57

Where are the video cameras when you truly need them?
By Kylemc
Confession: Against my better judgement, I now have a girlfriend.
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