Chuckles, etc

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BigCliff
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Location: SanAntonyo

Chuckles, etc

Post by BigCliff » Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:18 am

How's about we create the jokes, etc version of the "Friday Cheer..." thread?

Here's some kindling-
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" the doctor asks.
"Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
An old man and an old woman were sitting together in perfunctory silence at a nursing home when the old women suddenly turns to the old man:
"I bet I can guess how old you are." She says.
"Oh yeah? Try it." The old man sneers.
"Unzip your pants."
The old man, skeptical, obliges, and the old woman reaches into his pants. She feels around in there for a few minutes, and then withdraws her hand.
"You're 82 years old!" She exclaims.
"Holy cow! I am! How'd you guess that?!"
"You told me yesterday."
What's better than a rose on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.
Buy better hooks and bourbon.

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thalweg
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Location: nunya

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by thalweg » Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:54 am

Saw this the other day...

Job application that a 17 year old kid submitted to McDonald's in Florida, and they hired him.

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
"only two things smell like fish... and one of them is fish." -grandpa

"Please take a brief moment to answer this question as the ferry approaches the shore.
Do you have the coin to pay for your passage, or the courage to take up the oar?" -the sword

"Dreams are free motherfucker!" -d boon

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Da Ax
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Da Ax » Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:12 pm

An elderly lady and man lived in an assisted living facility. They were not married to each other. Each night they would watch TV together. While doing so, the woman would grasp the man's penis. Nothing more, nothing less. This went on for weeks.

One day, the man did not show up. For weeks following, the lady would wait for the man to show up but he never did. Finally, she figured that he had died, so she, too, stopped returning to the TV room.

A few days later, she saw the man zooming around the courtyard in his wheelchair. In a huff, she approached the man and said, "What happened to you? I thought you were dead! Did you find someone else?"

The man said, "Yes."

"Well, is she prettier than me? What does she have that I don't?", replied the woman.

The man paused for just a moment before answering,



"Parkinsons."
The difference between decency and indecency is opportunity...

One could search their entire lives for the perfect drift, and it would not be a wasted life.

"If I owned this place and Hell, I'd rent this place out and live in Hell." -Toombs

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Da Ax
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Da Ax » Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:23 pm

Twofer:

Little Johnny was in school one day when his teacher asked a question: If four birds were on a fence and you shot one, how many would you have left? Johnny, what is the answer?"

Johnny replied, "None."

"None?", replied the teacher.

"Yeah. After you fire the shot, the others fly away.", said Johnny.

"Well, the correct answer is three, but I like the way you're thinking.", said the teacher.

Johnny said, "Well, I have a question for you. There are three ladies eating ice cream cones on a bench. One is licking the ice cream very delicately. The second has devoured her ice cream and is sucking on the end of the cone. The third is biting the ice cream from the top of the cone. Which one is married?"

The teacher is taken somewhat aback and is turning red. After a moment, she replies, "I suppose the one sucking on the ice cream cone."

"Nope. The one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking.", replied Johnny.
The difference between decency and indecency is opportunity...

One could search their entire lives for the perfect drift, and it would not be a wasted life.

"If I owned this place and Hell, I'd rent this place out and live in Hell." -Toombs

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Heckler
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Location: CT

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by Heckler » Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:58 pm

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella??



















































Fo' Drizzle!
"America.....The thrusting pelvis of Death"

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DoubleNickel
Posts: 183
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Location: WNY

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by DoubleNickel » Thu Oct 21, 2010 1:47 pm

Orlando Bloom goes to see his doctor, and he is frantic.

Bloom says, "Doctor! I don't understand it. Every morning, when I wake up and look in the mirror, I immediately get an errection!"

The doctor says, "That's understandable.... you're a pussy."

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ditchdoc
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Location: Flatlands of Kansas

Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by ditchdoc » Thu Oct 21, 2010 2:55 pm

Little Johnny is under his mother's feet when she is trying to get her morning chores done. Finally mom say to Johnny, "why don' you go down the street and watch those guys build that new house." Johnny thinks, yea, cool and takes off.

A couple hours later Johnny returns home to find mom sitting on the couch having a cool drink and watching soaps. Mom says, "did you learn anything?". Johnny says yes I learned to snap a chalkline. Mom says what's that? Johnny pulls a piece of string from his pocket and hands her one end. He stretches the string tight between them and sights down the string. Next he says, "move it a cunt hair to the left.". Mom says, "what did you say!!??". Johnny says, "move it a cunt hair to the left dammit." Mom says, "Johnny, you go outside and get me a switch!!"

Johnny says, "Fuck you, that's electricians work."
Ignorance is curable. Stupidity is forever.

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crabtops
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by crabtops » Thu Oct 21, 2010 7:29 pm

A man walks into a doctors office wearing cellophane pants.

Doctor says, "I can clearly see your nuts"
"You may be about to find out that the sluts are more fun than the pristine ladies."

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west_jay
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by west_jay » Thu Oct 21, 2010 8:01 pm

How do you know a West Virginia girl is having her period ?




















Her Mom complains that her Brother's dick tastes funny.
I never met anyone named Joel that wasn't a complete knob. – CharlieJenkem

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LuckyBastard
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by LuckyBastard » Thu Oct 21, 2010 9:21 pm

How long you reckon before these fucktards work it out?

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"Honey, one more cast, then we''ll go, promise..."

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General Jack Ripper
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by General Jack Ripper » Fri Oct 22, 2010 7:07 am

Sign on the whore house:

Out to lunch, beat it!
War is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought.

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foureyedgeek
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Re: Chuckles, etc

Post by foureyedgeek » Fri Oct 22, 2010 8:19 am

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
some people like Rocky Mountain Oysters... the rest wonder why they are eating balls. - Woolybug

#SavetheDace20XX

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