—With Charlie Sheen

For many of us Valentine's Day is a three-headed monster whereby we, A) either F it up royally; B) nail it on the head and proceed to F it up royally; or C) spend time alone, pining and pathetic, getting F’d up royally. In light of these no-win scenarios, The Drake recently turned to notorious actor/call-girl connoisseur Charlie Sheen for advice on dodging V-Day bullets with an eye on survival—sans litigation and rehab repercussions. Say what you want about Sheen, but there’s no questioning his talents when it comes to sidestepping trouble and popping the cork on foolhardy fun.


Hotel rooms. I’m a romantic at heart and firmly believe in taking my girl, or harem of classy ladies, somewhere special for the Big Day. My favorite hotels include New York’s Plaza and Vegas’s Hugh Hefner Sky Villa. Remember, trashing hotels is highly underrated and a god-given right. It’s cathartic and a great way for you and the old lady to work off extra steam and bond. Anything not bolted to the floor is fair game. I recommend tables, those gaudy framed paintings, lamps, ottomans, and hair dryers.


Alcohol/Drugs. Although I don’t advocate the use of drugs and alcohol, there’s nothing like a cocktail or two to spice up the evening and waltz through the pre-game jitters. I like martinis and pharmaceuticals and typically keep a bed reserved at the local ER as an added precaution. Keep Valentine’s Day safe, kids.

Be rich. I always carry a deep wad of hundreds in my wallet. When you’re a multi-millionaire with a bottomless bank account like me, these extra Benjamins go a long way. Forget to buy your lady friend a gift this year? Don’t sweat it! Restaurant hostesses and other unsuspecting patrons sporting watches, rings, bags, shoes, coats, hair extensions, etc. are all fair game for procuring last-minute presents. See what you like. Shell out a handful of hundreds. And voila, return to the table with the goods.


Always keep your eye on the prize. As readers of The Drake, your favorite pastime is likely flyfishing. For me it’s a cocktail of alcohol, cocaine, and hookers. Regardless, there are parallels between both worlds. Never lose site of your dreams. Valentines Day happens just once a year. Wine, dine, and make your girl feel special this February 14th. In return, she’ll hopefully repay the favor and you’ll live to fish another day.

Your pal,


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