at fishcamp there are products. my uncle generally creates a new product each year. these are usually bottles of liquor with the tables removed and spoof labels laid in their place. my personal favorite is natchaug mist. this is irish mist. when it gets passed around a chorus will go up from all fishcampers in the tune of when the saint's go rolling in. oh when the mist, comes rolling in, oh when the mist comes rolling in, i want to be by that natchaug, when the mist comes rolling in. it is funnier when drunk. so get drunk, come back. its all good.
i never made a product until last year when i killed it with 2 sick products. one a t shirt that was drawn by the generous and skilled bob white. i sold them for 20 clams. i also made hooded sweatshirts for the charter members, the ten of us who have been there since the first fishcamp. these costed 5 clams. made up for it with overpriced t shirt sales.
i also made a fish camp turtle head prevention kit. a few years ago my older brother made a great product, a streamside pooping hygiene product. this was some skunk cabbage leaves, some smooth rocks, and some sand. for the grit, mind you. i took it a step further by boldly entering the dirty store.
you probably know how it is. no matter how benign your intentions are, entering the dirty store feels dirty. naturally, i was drawn to the stripper outfits and i tried to remember my wives shoe size for some stilettos. no no, on task here. i casually wandered about with my head on a screw. i needed to find a 6uttplug, as inconspicuously as i could. as i meandered my way about, a goth girl popped out of an aisle of filthy sweaty videos and jumped in my face. hi, she screamed. can i help you find anything? she put her finger in her hair and twirled.
uh, don't......don't bother me. i'm thinking.
no no no. just tell me. what are you looking for?
well, i need a 6uttplug.
oh for sure. she was off like a glittering black streak through the neon store. i followed timidly. you see, i said, catching up in my business casual gear, after work stop, right on the way home. its not really for me. its a gag.
oh sure. i can dig it.
she could not dig it. i scratched my beard. nah, its like, for a product.
she looked at me blankly. we stood in front of a giant aisle of 6uttplugs. i was shocked. shocked. at the size of some of these monsters. i broke out laughing. DAMN! i said.
these things weren't cheep either. some of the bigger ones were like 50 clams. these were immense silicone towers of pain. laugh and laugh and laugh. i bought something i thought was reasonable for 20 clams, my spending limit. she winked at me. just go, i thought. i cleverly left it on my wives toilet for her to find in the morning that night.
what? i said in the morning.
a 6uttplug? no. hell no.
just kidding baby. its for my product.
one year my younger brother had found a good sized snapping turtle in a back water off the river. naturally, he captured it and triumphantly carried it back to camp by its tail. we took a bunch of pictures with it before releasing it. why the hell not! its a big ass snapper. this memory spurred me to create the fish camp turtle head prevention kit.
i inserted the plug into a gallon plastic freezer bag and applied the following as the back label:
"Nothing will drive a fish camper off the water faster than a sticky stinky turtle head protrusion. Too many chud’s and Teddies Brewski’s wreak havoc on men’s constitutions. Many times fish campers have been besieged by a turtle head plopping into a full blown pants crap, don’t let it happen to you! At the first sign of a turtle head use trout slime, saliva or mud to moisten the anus, then simply insert the enclosed TURTLE HEAD PREVENTION KIT to pork the hole.
Testimonial: “One year I actually soiled my waders. I was forced to leave them in the woods beside the river and return to camp a beaten man. I can only wish that I had a TURTLE HEAD PREVENTION KIT that year! I’m not just a customer, I’m the owner of the product, and I swear by its merits!” – Ryan P Wilde
these little bastards.
had a ham in a slow cooker all damn day basking in maple syrup. rations.