Byproduct of Getting Old

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Average Joe
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Average Joe » Wed Oct 10, 2012 11:24 am

Thanks for all of the advice. (Great link striptrike. I really enjoyed that.)

In a little over two and a half hours from now I start chugging the nasty.

My wife bought me this so I'd have something to keep me occupied when I wasn't sitting on the shitter.
Diversion.JPG
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The television and my easy chair are within twenty feet of the nearest bathroom. I'll know soon if that's close enough.

SOBF
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by SOBF » Wed Oct 10, 2012 11:45 am

Twenty feet is fine as long as you don't try to squeek out a fart on the way !!!!!
I will say that the drugs they will give you are purely specfuckingtacular.
Versed is amazing. One second your lying there and then a second later they inject that into the IV it's instant "I don't give a fuck what you are going to do"

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Average Joe
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Average Joe » Wed Oct 10, 2012 3:08 pm

SOBF wrote:Once you drink that stuff YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FART !!!!! DON'T FUCKING DOUBT ME !!
I will never doubt you again. Never. Fuck. Time for a shower.

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Average Joe
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Average Joe » Wed Oct 10, 2012 5:00 pm

What a fucking shit show.

I started chugging the Liquid Plumber at noon. Mixed with the optional Orange flavor pack, it isn't that bad if you pour it over ice and top it with a floater of Grand Marnier.

The instruction sheet said I could expect results within two to three hours. Bullshit. My bowels collapsed faster than the Polish army in '39.

Forgetting SOBF's sage advice, and thinking I had plenty of time before the juice kicked in, I got distracted and let my sphincter deceive me. Another wave hit while I was in the shower, and I ended up using my heel to mash the bigger bits through the drain.

Confession: in hindsight, eating a large pepperoni pizza and a bucket of hot wings for dinner last night was a very poor decision on my part.

When I got out of the shower I noticed that my pants were gone. Naked and wet, I followed the stink trail all the way to the kitchen, where I found the dog, covered in my shit and rolling back and forth on my pants.

Cleaning the house will give me time to determine the best way to kill the dog.

Confession: ass cancer is beginning to look like an attractive alternative to this experience thus far.

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Average Joe
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Average Joe » Wed Oct 10, 2012 5:45 pm

During the past half hour, the shit has been coming out of me like piss. It even sounds like I'm pissing.

The last few times it's happened I've thought, "This must be what it feels like to piss like a woman."

It's probably the closest I'll ever get to being in touch with my feminine side. Until tomorrow, when they shove five feet of ass-camera up my rectum.

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Average Joe
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Average Joe » Wed Oct 10, 2012 6:00 pm

I keep telling myself not to flush every time I flush. Next month's water bill is going to cost me a fortune.

My piss/shit has now gone from looking like beef bouillon to resembling chicken broth. Getting closer.

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fishpimp
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by fishpimp » Wed Oct 10, 2012 6:45 pm

:needs_pics

Do you kids? Are they laughing? Mine did...
"You look like the type'a guy that gets outta' the shower to take a piss"- Diceman

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D-nymph
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by D-nymph » Wed Oct 10, 2012 6:51 pm

Average Joe wrote:
When I got out of the shower I noticed that my pants were gone. Naked and wet, I followed the stink trail all the way to the kitchen, where I found the dog, covered in my shit and rolling back and forth on my pants.
haha!

You made that part up!

It's too funny to be real!

:sucks
"The devil's pourin drinks and his daughter needs a ride" - III

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fishpimp
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by fishpimp » Wed Oct 10, 2012 6:56 pm

Nurse- any questions, Phil?
Me- nope, cuz I ain't gonna remember a fuckin' thing about this.
Nurse- giggles.
10 minutes later, lying in wait...
Nurse- ok, I need you to roll over onto your left side and...
Me- you fergettin' somethin'?
Nurse- uh...no...what?
Me- I told you I ain't remeberin' a fuckin' thing about this...
Doc walks in...
Nurse- yeah, you said that, but I need to get you in po...
Me- baby doll, I'm an ICU nurse, I know the routine. I'll start to move when the Prop is near in...we'll say a half inch from my vein, 'ight?
Doc- giggles...
Nurse- oh fer hell...
Nurse starts to push milk of amnesia...
Me- there ya go (slow rolling), almost there (almost on my side), right....ther.........
Wake up. Done...now just fart and you can go.
"You look like the type'a guy that gets outta' the shower to take a piss"- Diceman

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Average Joe
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Average Joe » Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:01 pm

No kids. Just a brain damaged dog that still smells like shit.

My bunghole feels like ground sirloin and habanero sauce, but I suppose that is to be expected.

I've finally stopped shit/pissing, though at 8:00 pm I'm scheduled to drink another liter of Liquid Plumber so the games can resume.

There has got to be an easier fucking way to do this.

Right now I'm watching the Battle of Brittan. My instruction sheet says I can have all the clear liquids I want, so I think I'm going to make myself a gin and tonic.

I still haven't decided how to kill the dog.

Believe me when I say that nobody wants to see any picture of this mess. Nobody.

Instead I'll give you this.
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Average Joe
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Average Joe » Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:13 pm

D-nymph wrote:
Average Joe wrote:
When I got out of the shower I noticed that my pants were gone. Naked and wet, I followed the stink trail all the way to the kitchen, where I found the dog, covered in my shit and rolling back and forth on my pants.
haha!

You made that part up!

It's too funny to be real!

:sucks
You obviously have a dog. You know how disgusting they can be.

Look at this face.
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What makes you think he wouldn't drag my shit-filled pants into the kitchen and roll on them?

:bomb

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Jon
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Jon » Wed Oct 10, 2012 7:19 pm

Average Joe wrote:I still haven't decided how to kill the dog.
Make him drink the last liter of BowelPlumber.
"unsalvageably incoherent"

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