All threads that bitch about new, existing, or old members will be posted/relocated here. Keep this shit off the General forum, because no one wants (or cares) to hear your opinions. Now go back to the other forums and post something worthy of reading.
User avatar
By Average Joe
#490670
Update: My doc gave me an "All clear" and said "See you again in five years."

Like hell you will.

Two days after the procedure I had a hemorrhoid the size of a Brussels sprout blooming out of my ass.

I called the doc and said, "What the fuck is this all about?"

Doc said, "I've no idea, but get yourself some Preparation H and some Metamucil and you'll be fine. I can assure you it's totally unrelated to the procedure."

Lying motherfucker.

Yesterday I was finally able to sit with both cheeks firmly planted on the chair.

Note to anyone over 50 who hasn't had this procedure: get it done. It's a day or two of discomfort (or in my case, about a week), but you and your family will sleep better at night knowing you don't have renegade cells fucking about in your lower intestine.
User avatar
By Spicytuna
#490697
Glad you made it out alive buddy hope the mend is a quick one.
User avatar
By LuckyBastard
#490738
Good to hear all is ok, mate. Sorry to hear about the 'roid, especially over my breakfast :vomit

Glad you're all better
User avatar
By stripstrike
#490757
Good news, man.
Now you can fart with relative confidence. :cool
User avatar
By Pedorro
#500631
Average Joe wrote:What a fucking shit show.

I started chugging the Liquid Plumber at noon. Mixed with the optional Orange flavor pack, it isn't that bad if you pour it over ice and top it with a floater of Grand Marnier.

The instruction sheet said I could expect results within two to three hours. Bullshit. My bowels collapsed faster than the Polish army in '39.

Forgetting SOBF's sage advice, and thinking I had plenty of time before the juice kicked in, I got distracted and let my sphincter deceive me. Another wave hit while I was in the shower, and I ended up using my heel to mash the bigger bits through the drain.

Confession: in hindsight, eating a large pepperoni pizza and a bucket of hot wings for dinner last night was a very poor decision on my part.

When I got out of the shower I noticed that my pants were gone. Naked and wet, I followed the stink trail all the way to the kitchen, where I found the dog, covered in my shit and rolling back and forth on my pants.

Cleaning the house will give me time to determine the best way to kill the dog.

Confession: ass cancer is beginning to look like an attractive alternative to this experience thus far.
Geez, I had forgotten about this thread and hadn't read it since page 1.

That is the funniest shit ever! Thanks for that. Glad it all came out in the wash.
User avatar
By SLSS
#500635
My heads kinda spinning- after reading Po's report up in the living room and getting full-on depressed, I come down here in the basement looking for bourbon and find this- just the thing I need after this week. Laughing at someone else's pain and humiliation. :cool

Shoulda listened to SOBF- he knows of what he speaks. I played it safe and had an uneventful experience, largely thanks to the valium. Only downside was Nurse Ratchet yanking tape off the IV. I asked my wife if I'd done something offensive, and she just laughed at me and said, You were flirting with me. Pretty loudly. And explicitly.

Hehe. Me, always the charmer.
User avatar
By slapshot
#500963
Went down this road at 21. Shitting blood for two weeks, losing weight, no insurance. Got dragged to the doctor who told me to go to the hospital. Barium enema, a hot nurse, and a doctor I can't understand. He understood me yelling fuck you as I got violated for my health. The next day I'm getting a colonoscopy and they find a growth as long as my pinky. It gets removed and I instantly feel better. It might have been the drugs. That shit you drink is a concoction straight from the pit of hell. I didn't get any flavor packs and I doubt they'd have helped me. I'm pretty sure I had manly tears streaming down my face as I gulped the last gallon of that solution.
The growth was benign. I was lucky. I'm almost 34 now. I need to go back and get one done just to be safe. Embarrassment means shit when there's a chance of colon cancer.
User avatar
By T.J. Brayshaw
#500964
slapshot wrote: Embarrassment means shit when there's a chance of colon cancer.
I sort of get the impression that the majority of folks on this board - or at least the ones posting these kinds of stories - are unfamiliar with this thing you refer to as "embarrassment".
User avatar
By fallen513
#500999
The barium enema was much worse for me than the colonoscopy.

The colonoscopy was "the worse the doctor had ever been through" because apparently midway through shoving the hose up my ass, I got up off the table and started kicking everyone's ass.


It's only fair right? I don't remember a thing except them telling me that I couldn't have anything greasy or filling to eat afterwards... and I forcefully made my wife stop the car for a large cheesesteak sub on the way home...

Love me some anesthesia. Ass violation, not so much.
User avatar
By Average Joe
#501002
fallen513 wrote:The colonoscopy was "the worse the doctor had ever been through" because apparently midway through shoving the hose up my ass, I got up off the table and started kicking everyone's ass.
This made me laugh.

:cool
I don't remember a thing except them telling me that I couldn't have anything greasy or filling to eat afterwards... and I forcefully made my wife stop the car for a large cheesesteak sub on the way home...
I did the same, but instead of cheese steak I went with a bacon cheeseburger and a side of curly fries.
User avatar
By fallen513
#501011
Isn't that funny?


"Don't do this, whatever you do..."



"Ok, I'll do it in grander fashion than you could have ever imagined, doc."


I'd have felt better had the nurses I'd beaten been male...but hey... even my subconcious ain't havin' it. Put your dukes up bitches!
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I miss the salt, more so now eh... :cool

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