Byproduct of Getting Old

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Average Joe
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Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Average Joe » Tue Oct 02, 2012 11:33 am

Unlike golden beetle and the young blossoms that stared in “Ass Titans 4”, my Hershey highway has always been a one-way street. That will change a week from this Thursday when I undergo my first colonoscopy.

For those of you unfamiliar with the procedure, it goes something like this: using an air compressor, the lower intestine is inflated to the diameter of an overstuffed Polish sausage, after which a camera mounted on the end of a flexible tube gets shoved roughly 1200-1500 millimeters up your ass. That’s approximately four to five feet for the metrically challenged. It’s something like snaking a drain, only there’s nothing to unclog because the day before undergoing this procedure you’re required to consume two liters of Liquid Plumber.
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I was given some “flavor packs” that are designed to make this stuff a little more palatable, but you can’t just sip this shit like a mint julep. You need to chug it and then wait for your bowels to cry havoc and let slip all of the nasties hiding in your digestive tract.
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After that, it’s twenty-four hours of drinking approved liquids and shitting.

I’m hoping one box will be enough.
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Payment for anyone who bothered to read this.
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Horn_Identity » Tue Oct 02, 2012 12:14 pm

Oh shit, that's funny. Few more years and I'll be doing the same I'm sure. Is this just routinte for you or is there a history of colon cancer in your family? It's better to find it early than late. I hope you get it done early in the day so you don't wait all hungry. Best wishes.

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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Average Joe » Tue Oct 02, 2012 12:50 pm

Thanks man.

It's just routine, and strongly recommended for everyone once they turn 50. If I get an "all clear" then I'm good for ten years.

I've got a couple of friends who are also in their early fifties who know they should have it done but haven't stepped up yet. Both said, "If you do it, then I'll do it." I plan to hold them to their word.

Ass cancer is a nasty way to die. :vomit

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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Spicytuna » Tue Oct 02, 2012 3:28 pm

Good luck to you man
"In truth you can throw dries and swing flies and still be a loser. That would be an elite loser though.
Rare breed." - MTgrayling

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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Pancho Rancho » Tue Oct 02, 2012 4:11 pm

The farting while still high after the procedure is fun and can be down right hilarious.
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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by SOBF » Tue Oct 02, 2012 4:23 pm

There have been many tips on the topic on the Drake. I like to think of myself as the colonoscopy ambassador. I've had 5 due to family history. Once you drink that stuff YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FART !!!!! DON'T FUCKING DOUBT ME !! Hope it's scheduled for early am.

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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Surly » Tue Oct 02, 2012 7:29 pm

1) It will be a long time before you trust your asshole again

B) Get a blow-up wading pool to sit in after you tire of the bathroom
"If the trout are lost, smash the State." Thomas McGuane

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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by stripstrike » Tue Oct 02, 2012 8:17 pm

Read this: ... colon.html

I will say that the drugs they will give you are purely specfuckingtacular.
"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist." Justin's dad

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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by D-nymph » Wed Oct 03, 2012 10:29 am

All I want to know is: Who is that first bird you posted? The one with the hat.
"The devil's pourin drinks and his daughter needs a ride" - III

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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Pedorro » Wed Oct 03, 2012 1:45 pm

Man I feel for you going through that, but here is how it goes in Canukistan:

Once you reach age 50 they send you out "The Kit"
The kit consists of a thing that kind of looks like a birthday card that has three windows in it.
The kit also contains three popsicle sticks.
You are to catch your poo on three different occasions and take a sample using the stupid popsicle sticks then paint by numbers in each of the three windows with the poo.
Then you close the card and put it into an envelope and either toss it back into the mail or take it to a local lab.

So mine sat on my desk for over a year-and-a-half. One day they were discussing the kit on the national radio station and most callers were women saying how their husband's kits sat somewhere in their houses. One woman said "My husband got his kit 18 months ago and it still sits there"
That one touched a nerve.

The husband of a woman I work with was undergoing treatment for cancer so one day I asked her what type of cancer he had. "Colon" she said and it is BAD he will not recover. Buddy's only 50ish...

A few days later I did my painting. Three works "o'fart":
I called mine "Mr Henky", "Rat B assTurd", and "Pic Asso's Ear"
"Pic Asso's Ear" was really the shit!

All is well though, got email from my doc.
I think I'd rather fart like you did! :bomb
That Fly took such a shellackin' I just wanted put a warm towel on her shoulders and
giver her a bowl of chicken soup…Blumpkin

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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by Lenny » Wed Oct 03, 2012 4:30 pm

This thread is a nice compliment to my vasectomy thread.

Very nice, funny and informative.
"Get back home where you belong, and dont ya run off no more"

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Re: Byproduct of Getting Old

Post by LuckyBastard » Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:08 am

Used to be in the "scope" room twice a week when I was nursing. I feel for you man, it can be traumatic shitting out your lungs, then having a guy go where no man has been, with a big black snake.

Like the others said the juice they give you is pretty effective and you won't remember fuck all thankfully.
Just remember not to be too embarrassed - the staff see so many they won't give a fuck what you do or look like, all patients sort of meld into one. You'll be forgotten before the next one is even in the door.

Though there was one guy off his chops who actually enjoyed it, started talking dirty in his sleep to the surgeon etc. Fuck that still creeps me out and makes me laugh at the same time.. 6 yrs on.

Best of luck, mate. It'll be over before you know it :cool
"Honey, one more cast, then we''ll go, promise..."

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